St. Joseph, the Failure?

A Letter to Dads Feeling the Financial Pinch

 February 6, 2025

Dear Dads,

            Yesterday, I looked at the personal finances and felt that ever-knowing sense of dread. Thoughts that came:

 “How are we going to do this?”

 “Man, it feels forever not enough. “

“Dang, how did we get here?”

“This seems impossible.”

And if I’m honest: “I feel like I failed.”

There’s a certain pressure, and there I say, identity, we dads put on ourselves to provide for the family. In fact, “Provide for the Family” is in our job description when we submitted our resume via proposal to our wives.

I know I’m not alone as I’ve talked to a lot of dads who feel this way. And I don’t even think income (large or small) makes a difference. I’ve talked to dads who have million-dollar homes and dads who work minimum wage and the feeling of financial dread is the same. I don’t know anyone who’s not feeling the pinch.

My former pastor Fr. Mark Smith gave me wise advice when it comes to adversity. He told me to look to scripture, particularly Jesus’ life, and find a situation that is similar to what He went through and relate it back to him.

OK, situation: Feeling like it’s not enough. Feeling like I failed.  Go.

After a few minutes, my prayer arrived at St. Joseph, particularly the moments of finding a place for Mary to give birth. At the time of writing, my wife Mimi is due with our eighth child in ten years, and she is due six to seven weeks from now.

All Joseph wants is to provide a great place for his wife to give birth. Yet rejection after rejection, “No room in the Inn”. One (jerk) has the audacity to say he has a barn outback where his animals eat and poop.

If I was St. Joseph, I’d be angry I’d be tempted to feel self-pity at that moment. To work so hard, to travel all that way, and let alone, to be doing the right things and what God wants meto do, and this is how I’m rewarded? I did not provide the best for my wife and I failed.

Maybe he had the following thoughts: 

“This is my fault. If I had gotten my act together, we could have left earlier and gotten here on time for an Inn.”

“I should have asked for directions at the last stop but my pride got to me. Now here we are.”

“I didn’t have enough money to buy a healthier donkey. We would have gotten here faster had I did. Or if I had enough money now, I could persuade the inn keeper otherwise.”

Embellished, maybe, but not that far fetched.

Yet key point, Mary does not seem to care. For anyone who’s watched The Chosen’s version of this story, she really doesn’t care and in fact, is grateful to just have a place to lay down.

It’s where I must give praise to my own wife: Mimi. Every time I’ve freaked out about money, and I mean every time in our 11 years of marriage and even during engagement, she has said she doesn’t care. “I want to marry a happy Matt,” she told me months before we got married, encouraging me to quit my then-miserable job and find something else that gives me joy. Even a more recent conversation a few months ago, “I rather us be poor and doing God’s will then “have it all” and you be grumpy all the time.”

Key Takeaway #1: Dads, is there a discrepancy on how much pressure you’re putting on yourself and how much “your Mary” cares? Is her standard different than yours? If our vocation is primarily about serving her and getting her to heaven, should she not be a primary litmus? Are we asking her and more importantly, are we listening?

So failure St. Joseph brings his wife to a manger and she gives birth to the most beautiful baby ever. As we dads know, there’s not much more jaw-dropping, miracle-working, when all of a sudden, there’s seemingly another person in the room when a bloody, goopy, beautiful baby starts crying. Nothing else matters at that moment.

Time goes by and visitors come. Some shepherds to share and see the Good News. Then these odd men called magi show up. They bring gifts. And one of them brings Gold. EFFING GOLD. St. Joseph who’s been operating off the little savings he owns has not been able to work during this travel and stay. He’s not providing any income and is probably wondering how they’re going to make it. He may have even started the dread on how they’re going to afford for Jesus to get into a good Jewish college. 

Yet one of his visitors provides gold. And it’s more than enough. To connect the dots, all of those visitors would not have fit, and maybe not have found him, if they were in the (Holiday) inn that Joseph had wanted. They were in a spacious cave where many could gather. It was God’s will for him to be there and it was God’s will for his visitors to fit and find him there. God had a plan all along.

It’s here where I reflect on our family’s deliberate decision years ago to have the humility to ask for help and to be invested in our community. Mimi wrote a whole post about this (Six kids in Seven Years and How I’m Not Dead Yet), but we spend a lot of onboarding time with our babysitters (time we’re paying them to be here) to get to know them, their passions, and find ways how we can help them in their own journey to the Lord. In return, we have noticed that we cannot outgive God and he provides in surprising, numerous ways.

Key Takeaway #2: Are we open to receiving help from our community? Are we willing to invest in people outside our home, not seeking anything in return, but simply because it’s the right thing to do? Or are we just trying to do everything on our own?

St. Joseph, of course, you are not a failure. You show us a great witness that we do not have to have everything figured out. That when things don’t go according to plan, your diligence is to keep showing up in prayer, do what He says (note the two dreams you had), and keep doing the righteous thing even when there’s no return or reward in sight.

Last one, Key Takeaway #3: Dads, are you still showing up to prayer no matter what? Are you making substantial silence for the Lord, at least 30 minutes if not an hour every morning to bring your praise, gratitude, anxieties, anger, and worries to the Lord? Are we making time to listen?. After all, is God the ultimate provider, or you?

It’s during this time we can remember that God has provided, is providing and we should have no doubt that He will continue to provide. I know this for a fact over and over again raising seven going on eight kids in the Washington DC area.  If you want to join me in solidarity, I’m up (or at least strive to be) at 5 am every morning to have this time. (If you live near the College Park, Maryland area, join us dads at Holy Redeemer who pray at 6 am every Wednesday in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament for an hour, a weekly gathering we affectionately called “dadoration.”) I don’t feel alone as I know a lot of dads who are up early praying, including my two best friends who I sometimes text and bother during this time:

6:06 am, text chat:

Me: Toxic gas has been released from my bottom.

Anthony: Congratulations.

Bobby: So proud of you.

Join me, brother, and I’m happy to bother you, too.

Dads, let’s admit, we don’t have all the answers. I know I don’t. But neither did St. Joseph. Look at how it turned out for him. Let’s keep our eyes on Christ, may He be enough, and let’s do His will together. 

Joseph was not a failure. And neither are you.

Amen.