SIX Kids Under SEVEN and How I’m Not Dead Yet
by Mimi Aujero
(Written July 17th, 2021 originally posted on a personal blog.)
In January (2022), I will have six kids under seven. And I’m not dead! OR totally miserable! Most people hearing the news, including myself, seem surprised by those two things. (Both my husband, Matt, and my therapist had to remind me that one cannot actually die just by the mere fact of having six kids under seven.) But as soon as I found out I was pregnant again at only three months postpartum, I couldn’t shake a reoccurring vision of my future: me walking into a black hole abyss, in which no one ever sleeps, or sees friends, or gets to do the work they love, because always and everything is just kids, kids, KIDS! In other words, misery and death.
The irony of my death-abyss vision is that it’s not actually my life now, nor has it been for many years. And I’ve had 2 kids under 2, 3 kids under 4, and 4 kids under 5, and 5 kids under 6. (In other words it’s not my first n kids under n+1, for all you math nerds out there.) Still, I’m prone to saying, “I can’t do this” (to be reminded by Matt that I am, in fact, “doing this”) especially whenever I’m feeling extra tired or having a bad day.
So as an anecdote for others, and a reminder for myself, this post is an attempt to answer that frequent question we get: “How do you do it?!”
Let’s start with the source of the black hole abyss of death. First, I only just recently found out that I actually like babies. Sure, in high school and college I was “baby crazy,” but it mostly only extended to an image that I projected about being baby crazy. Actually, after the first few seconds of cuteness and snuggles, I felt pretty bored and confused by babies. What do you do with them? What do you talk to them about? It’s not like we really have much in common. At the same time, I never doubted that I would have kids. Maybe it was my cultural or Catholic upbringing, but I always thought if you get married, you have kids. That’s just what you do. In my mind, there is no marriage without babies, baring of course the cross of not being able to have them. So, it didn’t really matter how I felt about babies; we would have them, eventually, because that’s what married people do. We’d probably have them perfectly spaced out every 2-3 years (because that’s what all my NFP classes and readings told me we could do). So that way, when we eventually waded into the “Catholic weirdos/lots of babies” category, those babies would at least have been “prudently spaced”! Which leads to my second disclaimer: my last three pregnancies have happened while actively (prudently!) trying to avoid pregnancy. As Matt puts it, I guess we were open to being wrong. I understand that doing it the fertility awareness, Catholic way doesn’t quite meet most people’s criteria for “how to not get pregnant,” but I think it’s important to emphasize that it actually does work for a lot of people, many people! Just people who are not us. (As it turns out, if God really wants you - or doesn’t want you - to have a baby, it doesn’t matter if you’re doing everything “the right way,” whatever your “right way” is.) Third, I love my job. I’m a part-time high school teacher, and it’s definitely a little “v” vocation. If I could, I would spend all my time teaching and doing teaching related things. So most times I find out about another baby, my biggest fear is how it will affect my ability to keep teaching.
Alright, so I don’t like babies, I didn’t plan most of this, and I would rather just teach all the time.
Hopefully, the death-abyss part is clear now.
Probably less clear is why this post doesn’t just end here, in the miserable part. How is it possible that I’m actually happy, peaceful, and reasonably well rested, given all of the above?
Well, it’s all a little complicated and connected, but the three main reasons boil down to God, husband, and others. That’s the right order, but I’m going to talk about them in reverse, because I suspect most people have already heard the lines about God, and could guess at the things I’ll say about Matt. I should also probably mention that if you are intrigued by anything I have to say, please go buy Jen Fulwiler’s book One Beautiful Dream. The following is my own specific example of “having it all,” but that’s the book that first put some of these words in my head. (And she’s a better writer than me, too!)
Game-changer book.
Let’s start with others, specifically: babysitters, the Similac company, my midwives, my primary care physician, my endocrinologist, my physical therapist, my actual therapist (also my husband’s therapist), our family, our friends, my pseudo-spiritual director, our neighbors, our accommodating places of work, and some seriously holy people who pray for us.
You know how most parents like to toss out the quote that “it takes a village to raise a child”? Well, I have one, and not just for my kids needs, but mostly for my own. It’s primarily “artificial” in that (besides family, friends, and the few people who live in my neighborhood) it’s been intentionally sought after and created.
The parts of parenting that made me disproportionately miserable started to go away four years ago when (ironically) I was sick - really sick - with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune thyroid disease. Back then, my mental health was really bad too; I had major anxiety, not that I knew it at the time (because that was just normal for me). But having a kid, and then another kid, made it harder and harder for me to ignore the ways my body and brain couldn’t function. Between my endocrinologist and therapist, both of those problems have gotten loads better. And once the thyroid and brain was sorted out a bit, I realized I needed to get my asthma and general health in check (enter primary care doctor, and thanks also to my friend who challenged me to find one before turning 30). And when my lower back and hips were still bothering me after this last pregnancy, I started with a physical therapist to gain some important strength back. All the while, I’ve been formula feeding most of my babies...yes, even starting in the hospital on the day they were born. Nursing has always been a painful struggle (they’ve all been born with pretty bad posterior tongue ties). Plus, while I’m feeling way better than when I was first diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, I still find I’m just more tired than most people. So I have less energy to constantly be feeding a baby with my body, so I immensely benefit from others being able to feed my newborns while I get extra sleep. We all know everyone is more crazy when they're tired, but adding newborn exhaustion to my already existing anxiety, and postpartum nursing Mimi is a major recipe for disaster. (Shout- out to the midwives for also always being excited for my new babies, supportive of my decisions, and helpful to having mostly stress-free births.)
Our announcement from LAST year's 4th of July. Which differences can you spot? :)
So medical professionals and Similac have helped get my body and brain to function on the mostly normal level. Check. But five kids (eventually six) IS a lot...especially when one is a baby, two are toddlers, and two are reasonably helpful, but still very far from being mature adults. The honest answer to “how do you do it” is well, I don’t. I mean, I do some things, but the big credit goes to our babysitters. We have babysitters not just for when we’re at work, but also to be an extra set of hands when we’re home. Someone else is often here to help with feeding and changes and fights and boo-boos, giving me time to snuggle with another kid or cook dinner without snapping at everyone (and I will snap, see the nights I don’t have a babysitter or husband during that time for evidence.) Matt and I even have church friends and former babysitters who will take the kids for a while on a weekend or for a date night or to get an important chore done. Maybe, in the traditional village analogy, this would have been grannies or aunties or cousins, but most of our family is too far away to be that help on a regular basis, so we’ve had to find others.
But that’s not all I outsource! Now that I’m more tired with this new pregnancy and the baby still waking up at night, Matt has taken over all the night feedings. (Again, thanks, Similac!) It’s also harder to keep the house clean (beyond the tidying that our kids are old enough to actually do). We usually can’t manage to fold and put away any laundry, but a messy house drives me nuts (it doesn’t mesh well with my messy head.) So we pay one of our wonderful babysitters to stay longer to help fold and put away kid clothes, and she will sometimes come back at night to do dishes. We can’t have her doing our laundry, so we’re considering paying someone else to do it. Same with cleaning - like, real cleaning. Showers, floors, behind the fridge and oven - we just can’t keep up, but we don’t want the investment in our house to go to wreck. So, we’re looking to hire someone.
At this point, you’re probably thinking I am both spoiled and loaded. And yes, some of my life circumstances (physical and mental health plus speed of having six kids) probably make me a little more “high needs” than other moms. But where did we get this idea that a mom who needs lots of help to live a peaceful and not miserable life is doing it wrong? Look, it’s not like I’m Annie who just showed up at Daddy Warbuck’s house (YouTube “I’m gonna like it here” for the visual on that one. And hey, even if I was, maybe there’s a good argument for it.) I work really hard to be a good wife, mother, and teacher. And there are sacrifices, lots of them. But if I worked too much harder, or made too many more sacrifices (or really, the wrong sacrifices), I’d start to be a bad wife, mother, and teacher. I’d be grumpy and snappy and never want to be around anyone. In fact, I do have days where I just crash and take a nap without even waiting to hear Matt’s response about it.
A mom, particularly a Christian mom, should expect a life of challenges and sacrifices. But we far too often take on the standard and boring ones, when we should accept only the ones God wants us to take! Like, there seems to be this idea that we should expect to be kind of miserable, unshowered, disorganized, 1 billion percent devoted to every ounce of our kids' needs (even if we work outside the home), and we just need to suck it up until the glorious day they can manage all their needs on their own. And, unfortunately, in many Christian circles, it’s portrayed as something even kind of glorious, to make this standard, one-size-fits-all sacrifice. And I just think that’s totally wrong. If a Christian mom is really in a place of peace and prayer, and making the right sacrifices for her kids, first of all, she probably won’t talk about “the sacrifices,” because they just feel like a natural part of God’s plan. But if she does talk about them, she will still be joyful, actually joyful, and not just trying to sound joyful because that’s the expectation put on her.
So, no, I’m not spoiled. But I am needy. Yes; I need certain things in order to be a good mom. If I’m not in order, my house certainly isn’t either!
And how do we afford it all? Well, some of it is from looking at our budget and deciding what are our needs versus wants. We’ve put all this family help in the needs category. I suppose there are other things that we don’t have or don’t do because of this, but it’s not something I really notice.
This six-year-old "babysitter" has really worked out for us, too.
Ultimately, figuring out all of this (right vs. wrong sacrifices, needs vs. wants, how to afford it all) comes down to God, humility, and a rockstar husband.
Of course, all of it starts with God, but let’s give some big cheers for Matt. This man prays, y’all! Ever since we were married (but more consistently the more kids we have) he gets up 1-2 hours before the kids wake to sit with God in prayer. Prayer, for both of us, is incredibly important. That’s the time when I sit down with God and say, hey, here’s what I think I need to live this life you’ve called me to. If this is what I need in order to live this life, help show us, God, the way to get it. (And if it’s not, help me to have the peace to live with or without it!)
Sometimes you realize that a doctor, or formula, etc. is a need, but the money isn’t there for it. So, yes, there have been times that Matt, in prayer, has figured out where the money will come from. But far more often, it’s not about the money.
And that’s because our God is a creative God, and a God of surprises. A God of unsurpassing ability to do all things, just maybe not exactly the way we wanted Him to do them. He is the ultimate GIVER. The problem is that we are usually too faithless and boring. This is a bold statement, but if you’re low on finances and looking for extra help, there’s a really, really, really small chance He’s going to drop you some cash to hire the $30/hr, certified, 20 years experienced, Mary Poppins of nanny/babysitters. Look, He’s God, so He might. (There have definitely been times when money came to us totally unexpectedly.) But often, that’s not how He does it. In fact, God has money, plenty of it. It’s just a thing, so He can control it if He wants to. But guess what He doesn’t necessarily have: hearts. Yours, mine, ours. HEARTS. He wants HEARTS. And hearts are primarily raised to Him through community and relationship. And community and relationship take time, effort, humility, openness, etc. Yes, money is important, and you should pay those who help you when you can (and we do pay our babysitters, besides the ones who want to do it without being paid). But when we go to prayer to find out the ways we can afford our needs, it often doesn’t involve more or new money. What it usually does involve is putting ourselves out there. Joining a church, a club, a committee, a pool, whatever, however you meet people consistently. And when you meet people and build relationships, you’ll find there are so many people who want to help. I know! It’s wild. I was brought up so red-blooded Republican that “we don’t take charity from the government or others because of our decisions that got us here,” but actually people want to help. And what’s more, you should let them help. In fact, God wants you to let people help!
I know, pause here, enter Matt and his wonderful faith again. Y’all, this guy really believes all this. “The giver is more in need than the receiver,” is one of his mottos from a Henri Nouwen book, and darn it if it’s not true. I still have a hard time believing it, but he doesn’t. And I shouldn’t, considering all the people who have shown this to be true! Family, friends, neighbors---they will be there for you when you need it. They will!
Do you know what's happening in this photo? Because we don't.
This 1,000% applies to babysitters too! If you’ve discerned you need some extra help, then I promise they will show up when you look for them - but a Care.com account probably won’t cut it. You have to join a community, invest time in that community, get to know people in that community, ask for help from that community, and then they will start to come out of the woodwork. And when they do, you have to let them come. And when they come, you have to continue to invest. You have to have them over many times as more of a mother’s helper to get to know them better, and allow them to get to know you and your kids. They’ll do some things their own way, and that’s fine, but they’ll also learn from you (and you’ll learn from them!) And very early on, you can have an honest conversation about what kind of hours you need, and what they’re available and interested in, and what you can afford to pay them for that.
If they like you and your kids, and they like the roles and responsibilities they’ve started and will continue, they’ll do it! And they’ll love doing it! And, in general, they won’t care about the money, because that’s not really why they’re in it anyway. Overtime, you give them more responsibility. And if they do care about the money, or they realize they don’t like kids, or you, or your rules, or the things you’ve asked them to do, then they won’t stay. And that’s ok! You pray about them, and they pray about you, and sometimes they really need money to pay for college, so they like you, but they can’t help. Or they’ve had one or two hours by themselves with the kids, and it just totally stresses them out. Or it’s hard to get a ride, or their class schedule is crazy, or they get a job and move away, and all of that is OK! Don’t take it personally if a person doesn’t stick, and don’t worry (too much!) about who’s next when they leave. If God desires you to have help, keep praying and asking Him and following His prompts and listening to Him and He will lead you to them and them to you! And if He doesn’t? Back to the prayer drawing board. Is there something different He’s asking you to do? Maybe give up a hobby that’s actually draining and making you grumpy. Maybe less hours at work? Maybe reconnecting with a family member who lives nearby? I don’t know. Only you can know. Only you can go to Him regularly in prayer and ask Him what His plan is for you.
But I do know this to be true: Mom, if you need help, it’s there for you. It’s important for you. It’s necessary for you. You are not selfish for wanting it; in fact you want it because deep down you know it’s not just for you, it’s also for them, whoever your them is. So get it! Go get it! And when it’s offered, let it; let people help you. Sit down, daily, and pray, and ask God for what you need, and then, girl, if He calls you to have six kids under seven, you can do it and not be dead too!